UN Statement on the War against Cancer in my Middle Region

In an unusual statement earlier today, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has called “deplorable, unconscionable and unforgivable” the killing of innocent cells as a result of chemical warfare used in my medical team’s ruthless bid to rid my body of cancer.

The SG’s linguistic feat came as plans for a full scale operation, featuring a complete invasion of my peritoneal cavity, came to light.  The doctors reportedly decided on the operation after evidence the cancer had once again tunneled out of my large intestine, launching cowardly attacks on the neighboring liver.  (The liver was not breached, but a surgical strike is necessary to remove some of the cancer that has gathered at its edge.)

US Secretary of State John Kerry is on his way to my mid section.  “We urge all sides to end the hostilities and are hopeful the medical team will show restraint and adhere to its own high standards,” he said.  “We are particularly concerned with the news that the medical team plans to use even stronger chemical warfare, possibly to flood the entire region.  This will only make life impossible for far too many cells to survive.”

In response, Israel’s Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman was quoted as saying, “F—- Cancer.”

Updates to follow as events warrant.

(PS – If you don’t know why this is funny, please post a comment and I’ll enlighten you.)


About Alan

F---ing Cancer since 2011.
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31 Responses to UN Statement on the War against Cancer in my Middle Region

  1. Annie says:

    Laughter is the best medicine . Thank you.

  2. deitcher says:


  3. Shimon Lobel says:

    Alan!! Good one!!! Refuah Shleima!!!

  4. Adele Fromm says:

    This was great! You are way too clever for me. I stand with your doctors in support!!


  5. Nisan says:

    I know I’m not supposed to laugh on Tisha B’Av, but this one also makes me want to cry. So I guess it’s okay.

  6. Ari / Wesley Hills says:

    No Shimon Peres? I know he’s retired, but I believe he (somewhat blandly) praised the intestinal fortitude of the body politic.

  7. clara hollander says:

    Very funny!

  8. Carol Joseph says:

    Very, very clever!!

  9. mayerfertig says:


    Sent from my iPhone


  10. Cousin el says:

    You are hilarious! Glad you are in high spirits. This is priceless. We are excited to see the kids this weekend. We plan to arrive with a lot of hugs and kisses. Although one small voice in my household did ask … “Will Tammy be there?”

  11. Yudit says:

    Awesome and brilliant !

  12. susies2cents says:

    Sorry you have to go through this. Glad to see you are using humor though. Refua shleima!!!!

  13. Dena says:

    Excellent, really enjoyed reading it! Good luck in your fight-you have the right attitude keep holding on to it. 🙂

  14. jkuritzky says:

    There’s a joke to be made about tunnels. Not sure if they should be blocked, cleared, or just left alone. May there be peace in your Middle East (and west). Love, josh and Beth

  15. u.d. says:

    Sounds like liberman

  16. Ilana says:

    I do not know how I missed this one. You can’t even blame it on drugs. Not legal ones anyway.

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