In an unusual statement earlier today, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has called “deplorable, unconscionable and unforgivable” the killing of innocent cells as a result of chemical warfare used in my medical team’s ruthless bid to rid my body of cancer.
The SG’s linguistic feat came as plans for a full scale operation, featuring a complete invasion of my peritoneal cavity, came to light. The doctors reportedly decided on the operation after evidence the cancer had once again tunneled out of my large intestine, launching cowardly attacks on the neighboring liver. (The liver was not breached, but a surgical strike is necessary to remove some of the cancer that has gathered at its edge.)
US Secretary of State John Kerry is on his way to my mid section. “We urge all sides to end the hostilities and are hopeful the medical team will show restraint and adhere to its own high standards,” he said. “We are particularly concerned with the news that the medical team plans to use even stronger chemical warfare, possibly to flood the entire region. This will only make life impossible for far too many cells to survive.”
In response, Israel’s Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman was quoted as saying, “F—- Cancer.”
Updates to follow as events warrant.
(PS – If you don’t know why this is funny, please post a comment and I’ll enlighten you.)